Death Doesn't Die

The first fan fiction short story by Robert Ofenloch thrusts James Bond into deepest Siberia with a beautiful German intelligence agent... Excerpt Bond whacked the guard in the leg with the butt of his AK-47 then took out his silenced P99 and aimed it at the man’s head. He picked him up by the collar, and carefully pushed him into the wall so he wouldn’t make a scream that would alert the guards. Guard: Who the hell are you!? Bond: My name is Bond. James Bond. And now our appointment is over. Discuss "Death Doesn't Die" You can discuss "Death Doesn't Die" and post questions to author Robert Ofenloch in the Keeping The British End Up forums: "Death Doesn't Die" discussion thread Fan Fiction Authors Have you written a piece of James Bond fan fiction, either a novel or short story? Interested in getting you work published on MI6? Contact our fan fiction editor who can guide you through the easy process: Submit Fan Fiction   (click to enlarge) Author Robert Ofenloch Released December 2003 Format Short Story Cover Art Odd Job

SIBERIA

Bond was making his way up the steep mountainous slope. A big gust of snow rushed towards Bond’s face, which almost blinded him, and he nearly fell. He managed to catch a small tree branch which looked like it could snap from anything. Using it as a support, he made it to the top, not bruised.

The wind was too strong for Bond to handle. As he made his way across the snow, he started looking for a place where he could stay until the snow died down. He spotted a large cave. As he went through it, a shimmer caught his eye on the cave wall. He was carefully walking, trying not to slip on the piles of loose ice and snow. As he walked up to it, it became clearer.

He had found a keypad, cleverly hidden in the thick ice wall. Smiling, he remembered that he had a covert cell phone used to open up keypads and doors. He flipped it open, plugged it into the pad, and pushed a few buttons. The door opened. Happy with his success, he closed it and said, “I knew Q was good for something.” He smirked, took out his silenced Walther p99, and then moved into the base, being careful not to alert the guards.

He saw a man sitting in front of a computer screen. He hit him over the head with the gun. Dragging the guard into the bathroom, he took off his clothes, disguised himself, and picked up the AK-47. He entered a control room. There was a man working, who said, “Ah, Mr. Toltov. You’re late.”

Bond: Yes, well, I had to dump something.

Guard (impatient): Well, whatever. Just activate the controls.

He moved to the controls and saw a cup of coffee, which he knocked over and pretended it was an accident.

Bond: Damn! I spilled coffee over here. I hope it’s not a critical mistake.

The guard rushed to the controls, acting frantically.

Guard: What did you do! We’re ruined! I hope nobody hears about this!”

Bond whacked the guard in the leg with the butt of his AK-47 then took out his silenced p99 and aimed it at the man’s head. He picked him up by the collar, and carefully pushed him into the wall so he wouldn’t make a scream that would alert the guards.

Bond: You’re absolutely right. All I have to do is shoot you.

Guard: Who the hell are you!?

Bond: My name is Bond. James Bond. And now our appointment is over.

As Bond was about to fire, a man, middle aged, in a light brown suit with brown hair, came down the stairs. When he looked up from his document, he practically jumped. He immediately took out his Tula Tokarev .33 handgun, standard Soviet issue.

The man (slightly startled at the sight): Hey! You’re not supposed to be here! Sound the alarm!

As the man was about to fire, Bond pushed the body in front of him and watched as the bullets hit the guard. Bond then threw the body into the guard, and ran up the stairs, shooting the man in the chest with his gun. He dashed around a corner, and saw four guards with AK-74s pointed at him.

The guards (ordering): Surrender immediately, and hand over your weapons.

Bond went through a metal detector, and it detected metal items. The guard motioned for him to remove the metal. Bond said, “It’s just my watch. See?” The guard took it from him, and put it on a table in the room it was being held. The guard motioned for Bond to sit down. The guard asked, “So, who are you, and how did you get in?” Bond answered, “Can I wear my watch again?” The guard took the watch and handed it to Bond. As Bond put it on, he pressed a button on the watch. Then it beeped, the guard looked at it, and it flashed off a big bang of light, like a flashbang. Bond grabbed the man’s arm, did a knee shove in the stomach, and then punched his head, making the man fall to the floor. Bond said, “It looks like we had a slight misfortune. Tell me what this or ganization is, or I’ll see some brains on the wall.” The guard just moaned, so Bond kicked him in the face, yelling, “ANSWER ME!” Then guards banged on the locked door, asking if it was OK to enter. Bond slumped over in the chair and pretended to be dead. When the guards entered, Bond opened his eyes, aimed with the gun he took from the previous guard, and fired perfect shots into their bodies.

Bond then left and entered into the hallway. Bond saw a window, so he activated his watch laser, and cut the glass out. Bond jumped out into the snow, and saw a man skiing at him. He shot him in the chest with the p99, and then equipped the skis. When he started to equip them, he saw guards skiing at him. Bond hurried up, and then went down the slope to his getaway car. Bond continued to ski downhill, and then a man with a snowmobile came driving towards him. As it was about to hit him, Bond did a jump on, and then hit the man’s head with both skis. He pushed the man off, and rode the snowmobile down the slope. The men continued to fire, so Bond fired the AK-47 he still had, hitting one of the snowmobiles, exploding. As he was nearing the car, a man took out a Bazooka. As he fired, Bond rolled off the snowmobile, as the rocket hit it. Bond ran to the car, and entered, as the man loaded another rocket. Bond pressed a button on the dashboard, and then pressed Fire and then a heat seeking rocket fired out. Bond drove away as the rocket plummeted into the snow, killing all the guards in the vicinity.

Bond entered the newly rebuilt MI6 HQ in London. Bond saw Moneypenny behind her desk, sipping tea. Moneypenny said, “Ah, James. Q’s waiting for you in the new Q-lab upstairs. I trust you can find your way. You do it so perfectly with other women.” Bond asked, “Have I kissed you today, Moneypenny?” Moneypenny said, “You don’t kiss me any day, James.” Q said over the intercom, “Bond, we need you up here now! Hey, wait! Don’t touch that! No! Bond, I’ll see you up here.”

Bond arrived at the lab, and saw Q messing with some gadgets. Q said, “Ah, 007. I got some new gadgets to show you.” Q took out a pen. Q said, “This is not your normal pen. It can be fitted with darts, either tranquilizer or poison, both of which act almost instantly.” Q showed Bond to a coat. Q said, “What you do here is step into it with your back first, and then it’ll turn into a jetpack, allowing you to fly anywhere. I’ll demonstrate it with this man.” A man stepped inside, and then it turned into a jetpack, and then the man crashed through the roof. Bond said, “That’s putting your back into it.” Q said, We don’t have time for your jokes. This is serious business.” Q took out a watch. Q said, “Now listen up, 007. Press this button and a cable will shoot out, stunning whoever it touches. But make sure it doesn’t touch you, or you’ll be in for a surprise. This watch is also a handy tool to have. Press this button and Napalm will squirt on the victim. Then press this button and the victim will ignite.” Q showed Bond to a car. Q said, “This is your old Aston Martin DB5, with some refinements. It now has a laser that will shoot out from all sides that will fry anything it touches within three seconds. It gets as hot as the core of the Earth.” Bond asked, Mm-hmmm. Does it play music?” Q said, “It just so happens that we know how you sometimes….get down to business on certain things, so we packed this car with a modified radio. Announce whatever you want it to play, and then comes the music.” Bond said, “Who listens to the radio anyway? It’s all Euro-trash, now.” Bond walked over to a sandwich. Bond asked, “What is this?” Q said, “It’s one of my favorite sandwiches. It’s full of carbohydrates. And it’s also good for another thing.” Q picked it up and fired bullets out of it. Bond said, “That’ll get the supermarket aisles running.” Q said, “I want this thing out by Christmas.” Q continued, “M wants to see you. Go! I want to eat my lunch.”

Bond went to M’s office. M said, “Ah. Bond. Sit down.” Bond took a seat. Bond asked, “You want to see me?” M said, “Yes. As you know, I’m getting old. Soon I’ll have to retire. And I don’t think you’ll get along with the new M as soon as he takes over, like what happened when I first took over.” Bond asked, “So, what did you want to see me about?” M answered, “Yes. Look at the screen. This shows a picture of a satellite that’s under construction in South Korea. I trust you’re familiar with that area, Bond.” Bond said, “I don’t want to remember that time.” M continued, “Now. We suspect this satellite will be put to no good. Remember your time with Alec Trevelyan and Mr. Drax? We suspect this satellite may do relatively the same thing, only acting differently.” Bond asked, “So you want me to sneak in, take photographs of the satellite and….escape before they get to it?” M said, “And try to plant a bomb on it. But I suspect that there are many more satellites in construction yards all over Asia and the Middle East, waiting to be used by terrorist factions all over the world.” Bond said, “Isn’t that always the case?” Then a female worker appeared in the room. The woman said, “Hello, M. You have a delivery. This briefcase has your name on it. ” M said, “I don’t know anything about a briefcase, but oh well.” The woman said, “Well, I have to be leaving now. I forgot I left my kids in day care. Bond asked, “Don’t you want it back? The case, I mean.” M said, “So. I wonder if this woman will replace all these wonderful delivery companies in the future.” Bond said, “You know that people are still trying to kill me. It’s as simple as a disguise and good looks to attract me, and then bang, I get shot.” M said, “I don’t even remember ordering this briefcase. Oh well, let’s have a look inside.” Bond saw the woman leave and held something in her hand that she took out of her pocket. Bond yelled, “M, no! Give me the case!” M asked, “Why?” Bond said, “Because it’s a b----“. Then the case blew up, knocking them back.

Bond ran out of the room, past Moneypenny’s desk. Moneypenny said, “I never see you run that fast for me. Always for the other women, isn’t it, James?” Bond just ignored her and ran out the sliding doors. The woman took off in her car, skidding. Bond opened the garage doors, and took out his Aston Martin V12 Vanquish. He turned on his GPS system and drove off.

Then a helicopter flew over him, and he saw that a man inside was holding a rocket launcher, so he opened his dashboard, took out the Walther PPK, then rolled out of the car. Bond ran into a gun shop. He smashed the glass and took out an Uzi. He shot two of the woman’s guards who ran inside. He ran out, heading for the woman’s car. Bond ran around a corner, and saw the woman get out of the car.

Bond chased the woman into a bar. When he entered, a man smashed his head with a glass bottle. Bond fell down unconscious. Bond woke up in a cell. Bond found that his watch was still on, so he cut the bars with his laser. Bond ran all the way to MI6 HQ, where he found ambulances. Meanwhile, back in prison….The woman who delivered the package said, “Don’t worry. He won’t get very far. I hope he doesn’t check his jacket. And now MI6 is humiliated. We made sure the tab said it was ordered by Bond. He’ll be the laughing stock of England.” As Bond entered MI6 HQ, he saw an angry Moneypenny. Moneypenny said, “So. You followed the path of 006. Who knew it would come down to this.” Bond didn’t know what she talked about, so he continued on. Bond saw the Prime Minister standing there. Bond asked, “What is it?” The Prime Minister replied, “You tried to kill M.” Bond said, “That’s ridiculous. You know I wouldn’t do that.” The Prime Minister said, “I have all the proof here, on the tag that was attached to the package. It said you ordered the bomb.” Then Bond said, “They let me escape from prison too easy. I have a feeling that something will be happening soon.” Bond took off his jacket and removed a metal object. Bond smashed it, breaking it into tiny pieces. The Prime Minister asked, “What was that?” Bond replied, “That was a tracer. They let me escape. They were tracking me. We have to evacuate this building.” The Prime Minister said, “No. You’re going to complete your previous assignment. You’ll be heading to South Korea. But you won’t be going alone. We’re sending along someone you worked with before. We figure that since you’ll be heading into a demilitarized zone of South Korea with nuclear warheads, mines, and bombs, you’ll need her expertise as well.” Bond asked, “Who?” A woman’s voice from behind said, “Me.” Bond turned around and said, “Christmas.” Christmas said, “Please, call me Ms. Jones, now.” Bond asked, “When do we leave?” The Prime Minister said, “Immediately.”

SEOUL SOUTH KOREA

Bond said, “OK. Follow me closely. We don’t want to alert anybody. I’ll get in, photograph a few satellites, place a bug on one, plant a plastique on the other, then get out, and hopefully to the car that’s waiting.”

Christmas said, “OK, James, can you hear me?” Bond said, “Loud and clear. I’m going in.” Bond hid against the inside wall, and then peaked around the corner. Bond walked over to the satellite. Bond said, Christmas, I’m planting the bug and taking the photographs now.” Bond took out a metal cylinder and attached it to the satellite. He then took four different pictures of the satellite. Bond said, “Christmas, I think someone’s coming!” Bond pressed himself against the wall. He equipped a silencer as the man walked around the corner. Bond kicked him, then fired two shots into the chest. Bond dragged him away. Bond said, “Christmas, I’m done in here. I’m heading out.” Bond saw an oriental man running away from two Soviets, so he decided to do something. Bond said, “Excuse me, but I have matters to attend to. This won’t take long.” The first Soviet asked, “Who are you?” The other Soviet said, “Let’s just kill him and pretend we saw nothing.” Then Bond arrived and shot both Soviets in the head. The oriental man asked, “Who are you?” Bond replied, “My name is Bond. James Bond.” The man said, “My name is Ping Pong. Why are you here?” Bond said, “I’m here to stop nuclear missiles from leaving this country and getting into the wrong hands, if they’re not in the wrong ones already.” Christmas said, “James, it’s time to go. You can’t do any more in South Korea. You completed your assignment.” Bond said, “Wait, there’s a technician coming. I’m going to try to plant a tracer on him and then leave the area un-noticed. That way we can still track the missile down without them knowing.” Bond hid against a wall, and then while the man was talking into his comm., Bond planted the bug on him. Bond crept away. Bond said, “Assignment complete. I’m heading out.” Ping Pong said, “Wait! Before you go, care to play a game with me?” Bond said, “Christmas, I’ll be occupied. I’ll be back later…..now, which game?”

Inside Pong’s house, Bond and Ping Pong were standing by, coincidentally, a ping pong table. Bond said, “I presume this is how you got your name? By playing ping pong?” Pong said, “That is correct. My real name is Karshia Mousaki. But, because of my love of the game of ping pong, I decided to adopt the name. You do know how to play, Mr. Bond?” Bond said, “I’ve played this once or twice. We’ll soon see who the better player is.” Pong said, “I think you’ll find, soon, that I’m much better than you…in so many ways.” Bond narrowed his eyes and then said, trying to keep a straight face, “Of course. Who starts first?” Pong said, “You can.” Bond dropped the ball and hit it to the other side, and Pong hit it back, and they continued to do this as Bond misjudged it and it went the other way. Pong said, “Tough luck. Do you still want to play?” Bond said, “Naturally. We’re not done yet.” After 18 rounds, all won by Pong, and many conversations in-between, they got to the final round. Pong said, “This is it. It all comes down to this final ball.” Bond hit the ball and this returned for a while, until Ping Pong did a nasty lower-cut and the ball bounced hard off the table and onto the floor. Pong said, “So sorry about that. But I guess that wins me the game. Now, please pick up the ball.” Bond went down to pick it up, and when he looked back up, he saw Pong holding a pistol at him. Pong said, “And look, I win again in other things. HEY, HE’S DOWN HERE!” Four armed guards immediately ran down the stairs. Bond said, “Well, it looks like you are not as you seemed to be.” Pong said, “Of course. That time earlier? That was just to see what kind of a man you were, Mr. Bond. Now, we’ll see how long you survive. These are four of my most skilled bodyguards. And, be warned, if they don’t kill you, I will!” As two guards grabbed both of Bond’s arms, he immediately did a swim push with both arms to both sides, and then turned around and punched another guard in the face, and picked up the fallen Uzi. He turned and fired at the fourth guard, but he dodged. All of a sudden, a knife got thrown into the side of the gun and it pinned it into the wall. Bond got grabbed by his back side of the collar and pushed into a wall, then had his head banged, and then he turned around and kneed him in the groin. Bond heard a click behind him and saw that a man held an Uzi. Bond instinctively jumped to the right as the man fired. Bond suddenly remembered he carried a firearm, and took out his P99. He hid around the corner, and as the man came around, he hit him in the forehead with the butt of the gun, and then shot his chest. The fourth guard took a liquor bottle and hit it over Bond’s head. He fell down and his gun went sliding to the same place with the knife. He ran to the knife, but his legs got grabbed from behind and he fell just short. He kicked the man in the face, and then grabbed both the knife and the gun, and then, doing this fast, shot the man and at the same time threw the knife for the chest. Both hit their targets. Ping Pong laughed as he came around the corner, and said, “Excellent. Indeed you are as good as MI6 claim you are. Now, prepare to face me. No weapons. Just martial arts.” As Bond put the gun down, Pong ran to him and did a flip kick, but Bond jumped backwards. Bond stood up and went into a defensive stance. Pong went to do a one-two punch, but Bond blocked both, then did a right uppercut, sending Pong backwards into the wall. Pong then went to do a punch, but Bond grabbed Pong’s fist and did a headbutt. It almost worked, but Pong anticipated the action and kneed Bond in the side. Then all of a sudden, Ping Pong took out a machete. Bond yelled, “You said no weapons!” Pong said, “I’m altering the rules of the game.” Pong went to do swipes, and Bond sidestepped each one. He anticipated another swipe, and grabbed his arm in the middle of a swipe, and twisted it, getting the machete. Pong said, “Very impressive. I misjudged you. But it’s not over yet.” Bond said, “Oh, no? It is for me!” Bond was about to swing, when Pong all of a sudden did a backflip into Bond’s hand, making him throw the machete into the ceiling, sticking. Pong then did backflips to the wall behind him, and took a bamboo stick, and then threw another one to Bond. They started to swing, parrying each hit. After a while, Pong pressed something, and a sharp point came out the end, making it like a spear. Pong continued to stab at Bond, but he kept missing. Then Bond hit Pong, one after the other, until, in a move that Bond didn’t expect was going to happen, had his legs hit and fell, then as he was going to get up, Pong hit the chin and up in an upward swing. Bond fell down, unconscious. Pong said, as he was retracting the spear tip, “Perhaps you weren’t as talented and challenging as I once thought you were. Sayonara, Mr. Bond. And pleasant dreams.”

Bond woke up. His head was throbbing, as if someone just stuck a knife in it. Bond tried contacting Christmas on his radio. Bond said, “Christmas? Christmas? Are you there?” Christmas replied, “It’s about damn time, I was getting worried.” Bond said, “Yeah? Ha. Me too. Well, worry no more. I’m going to be rendezvousing with you soon. Wait for me there.

As Bond emerged and arrived at the car, Christmas started to talk excitedly. Christmas said, “I just got a call from the Prime Minister. It seems that there are really four satellites. And we only know where one of them is.” Then the comm. Buzzed again, and Christmas started to talk into it. Christmas turned it off. She said, “It seems we know where that satellite is being taken. It’s currently on a train headed for Uganda. It’s leaving Seoul now.” Bond said, “Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!” Bond and Christmas got in the car and drove off. They arrived at the train yards, just in time. Bond hurried onto the train with Christmas.

Bond helped Christmas into the train. He looked around him and noticed that the car was filled with all kinds of lead and iron items. Bond asked, “What's all this junk doing here?” They continued into the next car. Bond moved through another train car. He noticed it was a trap. Armed guards swarmed around Bond. Christmas walked through the room then. The lead guard aimed and shot 4 shots into her chest. Bond yelled, “Christmas!” Bond immediately pushed a table into the guards, knocking them down. He took one of their AK-47s and kicked the face of one of the guards hard the other way. He then fired as he jumped back into the previous car and shut the door. Bond hid in the shadows until the guards ran past him. He went back into the next car. Bond walked up to the lone guard and knocked him out. He continued into the final car – empty. Bond said, “The missile’s not here. It was a trap.” Bond attached a small bomb to the engine, then turned around as a man said, “Excuse me, Mr.…?” Bond said, “Bond. James Bond. Who are you?” The man replied, “You may call me Jourdic Rhoute.” Bond asked, “What are you doing here?” He replied, "To tell you not to interfere with them and not to trust anyone, or they'll kill you. Here, out this secret door." He opened up a hidden door in the side of the engine car. Bond asked, “What about you?” He replied, “I’ll find a way. Now hurry up before you’re discovered.” Bond jumped out of the train, and made the long trek back to his car. Bond radioed MI6 HQ and said, “May I speak to the Prime Minister? Bond here. It’s urgent.” A few seconds later, the Prime Minister’s voice crackled, “Yes, Bond? What is it?” Bond replied, “The mission has been somewhat of a failure. We didn’t find the satellite, and Christmas was….killed.” The Prime Minister said, “Well, come back here. We may have some more information for you by the time you arrive.”

MI6 HEADQUARTERS, LONDON

Bond arrived at the security gates. He stepped out of the car, took out his gun and gave it to the guard. He then took out the clip and handed the empty gun back to Bond. The guard said, “You’re expected, sir.”

Bond stepped into the headquarters and saw the Prime Minister waiting for him. Bond asked, “You expected me, sir?” The Minister replied, “Yes. Even though the nuke was not on the train, we did track the technician you planted the bug on to a remote base on the island of Ceylon, also known as the current name: Sri Lanka. The nuke may be there. Robinson here will work with you again. As always, 007, best of luck.” Bond said, “Before I depart, does Q have any new toys of his to show me?” The Minister replied, “No. You better leave now. Your plane leaves in thirty minutes.”

CEYLON

Bond stepped out of the plane, and entered the airport building, looking for Robinson. He saw a man standing next to the exit doors holding a sign that said “JAMES BOND”. Bond walked up to him and said, “So, you’re a cab driver today. Where’s your car?” Robinson replied, “Just outside here, 007.” In the car, they started to talk. Bond asked, “What do you think the security in the base is? If they’re guarding a nuclear missile, it must be heavy, right?” Robinson said, “Well, there are many infrared beams and security trip-mines inside the base itself. Recon analysis proved that there are no mines outside the base, but there might be a couple of drone guns. There are also some heat-controlled sensors inside some of the rooms of the base, and the only way to get past security is to match your body temperature to that set for the rooms. Usually normal body temperature, but there’s also a frozen cryogenic freezing chamber before that, and that room is -100 degrees Fahrenheit. You’ll have to hurry through that room or you’ll freeze to death. Recon also found that the best way into the base is from the roof. We supplied you with a grappling gun.” Bond said, “That won’t be necessary. Q gave me a special jetpack. This is the perfect time to use it.” Robinson said, “Take it anyway. You’ll never know if you’ll need it. Good luck, 007. I’ll stay in contact with you.” Bond got out of the car. He activated his jetpack, landed on the roof, opened the ventilation shaft cover, and dropped down.

Bond moved through the hallways until he came to a room that looked too ordinary. Robinson messaged him, saying, “Stay alert, 007. There might be infrared beams there and if you touch them, poison gas will be released. You’ll have to find some other way to get through there. Try venting some steam into the room.” Bond looked around for a solution. He found a fire extinguisher on the wall next to the infrared beams, so he took out his silenced Walther PPK and shot it so steam would be released into the room. Bond saw the beams clearly, so he made his way through them and into the next room. Bond entered a cryogenic freezing room. Robinson said, “You have to hurry through that room or you’ll freeze to death.” Bond said, “There’s only one problem! The doors are frozen shut! I can’t make it through!” Robinson said, “Hold on. There should be an entry in the roof that will enable you to access the ventilation shaft and make it through into the next security room.” Bond looked up and saw a hole in the roof. Bond aimed his grappling gun, fired, and climbed up the rope into the vent. Bond crawled through until he was below the next room. Robinson said, “OK, this is one of the last security rooms. Be warned, this one is set as 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Hurry, or you’ll burn up. Then you only have one room left to deal with.” Bond dropped down. As soon as he dropped, the doors shut, and the room’s temperature was raised by 50 degrees. Robinson said, “Bond, I’m going to try to hack into the security systems and unlock the door! But then you got to hurry or you’ll die!” One minute later, Robinson said, “OK, the doors are unlocked, hurry through!” Bond ran through into the last security room. Robinson said, “STOP! If you go any farther, the drone guns will activate! The room is set to normal body temperature, and you’re higher than that! Look around on the ceiling for a sprinkler. I’m sure you’ll think of something to activate them.” Bond pressed a button on his watch to shoot napalm, and then pressed it again to make it ignite. The sprinklers turned on. Bond made it through the room and into more hallways. Bond overheard guards talking. The first guard said, “Stay alert. One of the technicians found that someone has planted a bug on him, and an intruder will likely be sent here to destroy this base and everything in it.” Bond walked into the room and pointed his gun at them, ordering, “Up against the wall! Now!” As they moved into it, he saw one of the guards take out a pistol, and then he shot him. Bond said, “Now, if you don’t want to suffer the same fate as he, go up against the wall and answer my questions! Where are the nuclear missiles being held?!” The guard said, “There aren’t any nuclear missiles here…..” Bond yelled, “You’re lying!” The guard said, “There aren’t any nuclear missiles here, there were never missiles to begin with! What you’re searching for are satellites that are able to fire neutron missiles, not nuclear ones, in high succession from outer space. There are four satellites, but only one of them is fully operational. There’s supposed to be a test firing soon.” Bond asked, “Where?” The guard said, “I’m not exactly sure, but they were supposed to launch the real firing sequence from Mozambique. I think the testing sequence will be launched somewhere in Uzbekistan. That’s what they told me, anyway. They didn’t tell me anything else, just that it will be fired from Mozambique.” Bond said, “Tell me where you were supposed to fire the test missile.” The guard said, “They were just going to launch the satellite and just fire the missile and then before it can reach Earth’s atmosphere, they’d make it self-destruct. The missile used for testing was just supposed to confirm that they’d be able to successfully launch one. The real missiles are supposed to be launched to various countries.” Bond asked, “Where?” The guard said, “Cambodia, Beirut, China, and rumors that they would launch all the remaining ones to England.” Bond yelled, “What!? Are the rumors true or not!?”
The man said, “I don’t know! But you’re from England, aren’t you? You’ll probably want to stop them.” Then he reached into his pocket as someone shot him from behind. A woman emerged. Bond asked, “Why did you do that!?” The woman replied, “My name is Kandy Kane. I work for the GIGN-9. German intelligence. Jourdic Rhoute sent me to assist you. He figured you’d be in trouble.” Bond said, “Yes, well, I guess I’m…rescued. Come on; let’s get out of here, Kandy.”

As they were heading for the exit, Robinson’s voice came over the comm, saying, “007, are you out of there?” Bond replied, “Yes. I’m with some woman on our side, working for the German intelligence. I also received some interestingly disturbing news. It seems that someone’s going to launch satellites and, from outer space, fire neutron missiles into London. The date and time is unknown. I’m still trying to find out who the mastermind behind the plot is.” Robinson said, “I’ll relay your message to MI6 headquarters. Do try to get back here in one piece. Robinson, out.” Kandy said, “We should probably wait for the morning. What will we do until then?” Bond said, “Well, I think there’s some club around here. Shall we?”

Kandy said, “I do drink martinis too. You’re not the only spy who does.” Bond asked, “How do you take it?” She replied, “Straight up…with a twist.” Bond asked, “So, how long have you and Rhoute been working together?” Kandy replied, “Well, we’re not both in the GIGN-9. I’ve known him for about four years. We do assignments together.” Then the waiter appeared with the drinks. He said, “Here you are, Mr. Bond. Two martinis. Enjoy your drinks.” Then he saw a man in a tuxedo. He said, “Ah, Mr. Bond. What are you doing here?” Bond said, “I was just about to ask you the same thing. I was just getting acquainted with your partner.” Rhoute said, “You may be wondering what I’m doing here. They’re holding a party in my honor. I’m hoping to lead the world into the 21st century. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I want to get back to the party. See you some other time, Mr. Bond.” Bond said, “Hey, Kandy, I reserved a room in here just for you and me. We’ll spend the night in here.”

Pong entered into a building. A man said, “Ah, Ping Pong. Was your mission productive?” Pong replied, “Fairly. Bond was a little bit better than I anticipated, but I still dealt with him.” The man turned his head, revealing the face of Jourdic Rhoute. He asked, “Is Bond dead?” Pong said, “Ah, not quite. I knocked him out good though. He will never know where we are.” Jourdic said, “Good. We must make sure that he does not find me out just yet. We’ll leave our agent to take care of him.

Bond and Kandy were in bed, with the sheets strategically placed. Various clothing was on the floor. Bond asked, “So, how did you know I was in Ceylon?” She said, “Well, like I told you, I work for the GIGN-9. And M contacted me. So here I am.” Bond said, “You look familiar. Have you been in MI6 HQ recently?” She said, “Uh, possibly.” Bond said, “I see. So, what will we do until tomorrow?” Kandy said, “We’ll think of something.” Bond said, “Of course.”

The next day, Bond got in the car with Kandy. He said, “Time to go back to MI6 HQ. Ladies first.”

MI6 HEADQUARTERS, LONDON

Bond said, “Hello, Prime Minister. This is Kandy Kane. She works for the German intelligence.” The Minister said, “Yes, Robinson told me. He also told me about those satellites. Do you know where they’re going to be fired from?” Bond said, “I do. They’ll be fired from Mozambique. But before I depart with Kandy, I wanted to go call my old CIA friend, Jack Wade. I think we may need the Marines on this mission.” The Minister said, “Of course.”

Bond got on the phone. He said, “Hello? Jack Wade? Bond here.” Wade replied, “Hey, Jimbo! What can I do for you?” Bond said, “I want you to get a lot of Marines. There’s going to be something big going on in Mozambique. They’re going to launch a neutron missile to London. We need as much help as we can get to fight them off. I’ll meet you there. Bye.”

Bond and Kandy got in the car. Kandy asked, “Have you ever fallen asleep while driving?” Bond said, “No.” Kandy said, “This will be your first time.” She shot him with a tranquilizer gun.

Bond woke up in some room. Kandy entered and said, “I see you’re awake, Mr. Bond. Please, follow me. Someone wants to see you.” Bond followed Kandy into a large foyer. The man said, “Ah, Mr. Bond. Welcome to the Phoenix International building in Paris. Nice of you to join us.” Bond said, “Jourdic Rhoute? You’re the person behind the satellites?” He replied, “Yes. I was going to send a neutron missile to London. I only hoped you would have been there, instead of interfering with my plans some more. Remember the train? I believe I told you not to interfere with anything, and not to trust anyone. Now you’ll regret getting involved with us. And I have Kandy Kane to thank for bringing you here. Without her, I would never get to eliminate you. Now I can get rid of both of you at once. Luck is on my side after all. Goodbye, Mr. Bond, Ms. Kane.” Kandy yelled, “What!? Oh my God!” As he was about to shoot, Bond grabbed her and fell down. Then a Korean man entered and said, “Mr. Rhoute, your escape helicopter is ready.” He replied, “Thank you, Ping Pong. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to leave. And don’t try to escape. There are too many guards to handle.” Kandy said, “I don’t believe it. He and I were…partners.” Bond said, “It looks like he was just using you to get me. Do you have a gun?” She replied, “Yes, a Glock 18.” Bond said, “Good enough. Does it have an extended clip?” She said, “Yes.” Bond said, “OK, that’s 32 rounds a clip. I think it’s more than enough. What do you say to get the hell out of here?” Bond walked up to a guard and held the gun at him. He said, “Freeze. You’re going to lead me to Jourdic Rhoute. If you do anything, I’ll kill you. Move!” The man was moving, and then all of a sudden he said, “Enough of this charade!” He turned around and kicked the gun out of Bond’s hand. He then did a kick into Bond’s head. Bond went to throw him over his head, but got knocked down. Kandy picked up the gun and aimed it, but someone grabbed her from behind. Kandy did a back elbow jab into the man’s stomach twice, then turned around and prepared to fire, then he got back up and grabbed her gun arm and pushed her to the ground. He continued to bang her arm on the ground, but she hit him in the head with it, then kicked him away. As he was ready to come back, she shot him twice in the chest. Kandy asked, “You need any help with the other one?” Bond replied, “I can take him.” Bond grabbed his arm and twisted it, then took a fire extinguisher off a wall and sprayed it in his eyes, then banged him on the head with it, knocking him out. Bond said, “Let’s go!” Bond ran up after Jourdic, but by the time he got to the roof, he was already in the helicopter and leaving. He took out a MAC-10 and fired at Bond. He ducked behind a ventilation shaft entrance. When he came back out, Ping Pong kicked him in the head. Then he did a flip kick and knocked him down. Bond did a roll to the left then got up. He went to do small punches into the head, but Pong blocked all of them. Bond said, “So, that time in South Korea. Were you really in trouble?” He replied, “I was just seeing what you were made of, of course. The Soviets were expendable. But I’m one of a kind, if you take my meaning.” He then ran up to Bond and did a backflip, kicking him in the process. He said, “I am an expert in all kinds of martial arts. It’ll be impossible to defeat me.” Bond said, “We’ll see about that.” Bond ran into Pong, and then grabbed him and slid him to the wall on the roof’s edge. He got up, grabbed Bond’s arm, but Bond grabbed Pong’s hand and threw him over the side of the roof. He went back down the stairs, and was heading for the exit, as three armed guards appeared. Bond shot the gun at them. He got one, and he rolled down the stairs and stopped at the bottom. He aimed at the second one, and missed and shot the sprinklers. He then shot again and nailed him in the head. He went after the final guard, and then he got grabbed from behind and knifed in the neck. Kandy Kane emerged. She said, “Good to have a partner. Let’s get out of here.”

Bond called Jack Wade again. He said, “Hello? Bond again. I’m coming to Mozambique now. Meet me at the airport in Mozambique. Oh, and bring as many Marines as possible, and Robinson too. I’ll be there soon. Bye.”

MOZAMBIQUE

Bond looked around for Jack Wade; he found him. Bond said, “Hello, Wade. Nice of you to come.” He said, “Hey, Jimbo. I got as much Marines as I could. Robinson will be here in a few minutes.” Bond asked, “What kind of weaponry are your Marines carrying?” He replied, “AR-15s, M4s, MP5s, M60s, etcetera. The M4s and the MP5s have grenade launchers. Ah, here’s Robinson now.” Robinson said, “Sorry I’m late, 007. I got tied up at the airport. What’s the situation?” He replied, “There’s a facility 200 miles from here that’s set to launch satellites that’ll fire neutron missiles straight to London. I don’t know when they’re set to launch, but I think it’s soon. Wade, your Marines will be creating a diversion outside the facility so me and Robinson can sneak in and disable the control system before they can launch. But if we can’t disable it, be prepared for a quick extraction out of the country. Good luck. Let’s move out!”

After a few minutes of driving, they arrived at the facility. The Marines got in position and aimed their guns. One threw a grenade outside to get their attention. Wade said, “This is where the fireworks begin!” The Marines fired their grenade launchers and their submachine guns and assault rifles at the bad guys, as Bond and Robinson began sneaking towards the facility.

Back at the Marines, two of them got killed by an enemy grenade. They continued to fire and started pushing the enemies back. Bond continued to move closer with Robinson. Then, all of a sudden, a shot fired out and Robinson fell down. Bond said, “Robinson!” Bond looked around for a sniper, but saw no one. Another shot fired, and it missed. Bond fell down to the ground and looked around. He saw someone, so he fired and got him. Bond got inside the facility. He made it to the missile room, and then as he was busy looking at the missile, Ping Pong jumped on him from behind. He said, “You’re too late. The satellites already launched. And I’ll set them to launch it….……in HERE. Yes, I never set anything to launch in England for fear of retaliatory strikes. So, I set it to detonate when you were in here. And I have to get to my rocket ship before it leaves without me, so that means I have to get rid of anyone who stands between me and it. 007, license to kill. Looks like you’ll have a license to be killed now. I guess it’s your time to die.” Bond said, “We’ll see.” Bond went to kick him, but Bond got kicked. Pong grabbed Bond’s gun and threw it out the window. Pong head butted Bond, and then shoved him away. Bond pushed the door in Pong’s face, and then pressed a button on his watch and netting flew out that made him fall down and unable to get up. He said, “What did you do to me! Help me!” Bond said, “Goodbye, Ping Pong.” Bond left the room and escaped out the building. He bumped into a guard. The guard held an Uzi on him. Just as he thought he was about to be shot, he got shot from behind, and fell down. Bond said, “Kandy!” Kandy said, “You don’t think I’d leave you, would you?” When they got back to the Marines, they saw they were keeping the rest of the bad guys hostages. Wade said, “Jimbo, you made it! Where’s Robinson?” Bond said, “He’s…dead. Anyway, we have to get out of here fast! The satellite is going to fire on the facility!” Pong screamed below, “BOND!!!!!!” As they were leaving, the nuclear missiles launched into the facility, as Pong was screaming, then he vaporized.

The Marines were celebrating, and then Bond said, “It’s not over yet. I have to go into outer space and disable the satellites from there. Kandy, I want you up there with me. Wade, Marines, fall back. You’ve done your job well. It’s now our turn to handle the rest.” Kandy said, “James, there’s something I must tell you. Remember when a woman came into MI6 HQ and delivered a bomb? That was really me. I was just following orders. But now I’m on the good side. Anyway, we better hurry.” Bond and Kandy got into the rocket, and then it launched with a countdown.

Bond said, “That’s odd. Nothing’s up here. Where are the satellites?” At that moment, turret fire from something shot the rocket down, and then it crashed inside a hangar of a station. Bond said, “This must be the station that’s controlling the satellites. OK, Kandy, you’ll be creating a diversion so I can get into the main control room without much difficulty so I can disable the satellites. When I disable them, I’ll get in contact with you on my comm., and then we’ll get in an escape pod so we can get back on Earth. Let’s go!” Bond moved against a wall, and waited for the guards to move past him, and then he moved into the control room. Bond messed with the controls and started the self-destruction countdown of the satellites. Bond said, “That was almost too easy.” Then he heard sounds outside and saw Kandy had been captured. Jourdic said, “Ah, Ms. Kane. Where’s James Bond? You couldn’t have come alone. You two, search for Bond, and bring him to me! Now!” While trying to escape, Bond got caught, and was brought before Jourdic. Jourdic said, “Ah, Mr. Bond. Nice of you to come up here and visit me. Just when I was getting lonely. Too bad. You shouldn’t have come after me again. You won’t survive this encounter.” Then explosions rocked the station. Bond said, “It looks like your satellites are exploding.” Jourdic said, “Yes, but now the station will be destroyed, and we’re all on it! You idiot!” Another explosion started, and using that time, Bond did punches into both of the guards. Jourdic grabbed Kandy by the arm and got in the escape pod with her and launched, leaving Bond up there. Bond rushed into another escape pod and also launched it, just as the station exploded.

Bond stepped out after it landed, and used the comm to radio the Prime Minister. Bond said, “Hello? Bond here. The mission in space was successful, but Kandy got captured by Jourdic Rhoute, and I don’t know where he is.” The Minister said, “Hold on. Reconnaissance found that he is, in fact, in South Korea, guarding a small convoy heading through the area. We’re looking at a close-up picture of the convoy. It appears there’s some woman tied up in the lead truck. Hurry up and get down there, and eliminate Jourdic once and for all. Good luck, 007.”

SOUTH KOREA

Bond parachuted onto the truck in the far back of the convoy. Bond jumped onto the next truck. A guard jumped after him, then Bond turned and threw his arm into his face, knocking him off the truck. Bond jumped to the next truck. As he was about to jump to the next-to-last truck, someone grabbed his legs from behind and knocked him down. Bond turned around and kicked the man’s face. Bond noticed the lead truck was swerving to the edge of a cliff. Bond grabbed the man and threw him off the truck, then jumped to the next truck, and then to the lead one. Bond got in and untied Kandy. Bond asked, “You alright?” Kandy said, “James!” Bond said, “Let’s get out of here.” They jumped out of the truck, and watched as it fell off the cliff. Then he got punched from behind. Jourdic said, “Hello again, Mr. Bond. You think I’d let you get away with Kandy Kane so easily? I don’t think so. Stand up, and I’ll allow you to die painfully.” Bond said, “Not today!” Jourdic then kicked him down. Kandy then did three punches and a kick into Jourdic, then he slapped her away. Jourdic said, “Feisty one. I’ll deal with you after Bond’s dead.” Bond and Jourdic continued to fight, each time coming closer to the edge of the cliff. Then Bond got knocked down, and grabbed Jourdic in the process, and grabbed vines before he could fall. Jourdic said “Let go of me!” Bond said, “Are you sure? OK.” Bond let go and watched as Jourdic Rhoute fell into the water below, all the while he was yelling, “BOND, I’LL GET YOU, YOU BASTARD!” Kandy pulled Bond up. Bond said, “What do you say we go take a few days off and relax someplace?”

Bond was sitting with Kandy in a restaurant in Paris. Bond said, “So, I guess this is the beginning of our relationship. Are you as sweet as your name implies?” Kandy said, “Want to find out?” Bond said, “Oh, I think so.” Then a man came in and said, “James Bond, you have been a persistent thorn in my side. Why do you refuse to die!? But this time, I guarantee you, you will die!” Bond said, “I don’t think so.” Bond took out his Walther PPK, then Jourdic turned and ran away. Bond got in his Aston Martin DB5 with Kandy and drove off after Jourdic. They zoomed past buildings and other cars and then Bond fired the machine guns, but missed. He activated his targeting missiles, then fired at Jourdic’s car. It exploded, and Bond stopped his car. When Bond thought he was dead, he saw him leave and run away. Bond got out of it and chased him into the Eiffel Tower. Bond ran up the stairs and fired his gun at Jourdic. Jourdic ran into the elevator control room. Bond entered, and then got kicked. Bond grabbed Jourdic and made him bang his head a few times on the metal wall, then pushed him to the hole with the elevator gears, and then punched him into the hole, and he was squished to death. Bond said, “Goodbye, Jourdic Rhoute.” Bond got out of the Eiffel Tower and saw Kandy Kane waiting there. Then a woman appeared in front of their car. She said, “James, what are you doing?” Bond said, “Uh, Christmas!? You’re alive!? How can that be! I saw you die!” Christmas replied, “Appearances can be deceiving. Besides, I always carry Kevlar. Standard-company issue. Anyway, MI6 apparently made a deal with the CIA, and they wanted me to investigate Jourdic Rhoute and his conspirator, Kandy Kane. What the son of a bitch didn’t tell me was you were already progressing faster. Anyway, I’m quitting the CIA. I’m going to take a nice vacation on some island AWAY from the troubles of terrorism, drug dealing, and black market sells. And who is this lady?” Bond said, “Uh, this is Kandy Kane, German Intelligence. But don’t worry, she’s good now. She and I were, uh, just getting better acquainted.” Christmas said, “Well, I’ll let you two finish….debriefing each other in private. Some other time, then, James.” Bond asked, “Now, where were we?” Kandy said, “You were about to find out how sweet I was.” Bond asked, “Of course.” Bond and Kandy Kane got in the car, and he activated the autopilot. Kandy said, “Oh, James.”

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN